Thursday, 12 October 2006

No contact from hospital today. I am feeling ok today and have not thought about what may happen or what the result may be. I am hoping it will turn out to be a chest infection. My friend, Raechel came around today.

Kieran stayed home today, said he had a tummy ache. He has been on about it all week and I gave him the benefit of the doubt today. He didn't complain all day. He has been on the trampoline, computer, games and running around like a looney. Enough said, he seems fine. He was sick yesterday and that was left out for someone else to clean up. (David said he was sick and never bothered cleaning up).Richard has finished his first full week at burger king. He seemed to enjoy it, must go in and see him.

I will have to wait until Monday now and hopefully will get a call to have a test done. I am going back to work as I need to keep busy and not sit at home worrying if there is nothing to worry about. I just need to know. My head is an absolute mess.

Wednesday, 11 October 2006

Still no contact from hospital. I didn't sleep well last night. I am still trying to come to terms with this devastating news. It is so hard to think positive. I am feeling very angry and made an appointment with my GP. I want to know if I am dying. I want to know if I have a future. I cannot see past tomorrow. He told me that if I used my private health care, it wouldn't make a lot of difference as the main treatment point and the experts are all in the NHS hospital. I have decided to return to work because the thinking time is screwing up my mind. My doctor has signed me back to work on 16th October.
So I am back to waiting.

My little girl cried today as we returned from my sister Jackies house. She doesn't have a good relationship with her dad, which is a shame, this is the time she needs him most. She said she didn't want me to go anywhere and she wished it wasn't happening. What could I tell her?
This is so difficult, I really don't feel I am going anywhere.

Tuesday, 10 October 2006

I have told all my family and friends that I may have lung cancer. I feel I have a lot of support around me and it is appreciated as they are all wonderful people. My children are so brave and stunned I think. They are not saying much.
Ironically, I have a funeral to go to. I will go as I do not want to let my friend down. She has been so supportive and I feel I should do the same.

Monday, 9 October 2006

I went for a chest X-ray as I had been looking into Mesothelioma for a few weeks now and have had thoughts that I may have it as I have a few of the symptoms. My GP has asked me to go and see him. I am so afraid today. What is my GP going to say? Am I being stupid? I asked my daughter, Siobhan, to come with me to the GPs as I had a feeling it could be bad news and I was petrified. She agreed and was very brave.

We arrived and made our way to the waiting room. My name was called and we went in. My GP said he had been contacted by the hospital and it wasn't good news. I put my hand up to my face and knew what words would spill from his mouth. Words I did not want to hear. Cruel words, unfair words, Words that said I may have to suffer because my father was employed in Plymouth Dockyard and I will pay the price, as he did

He told me that there was a mass and it could be a milgnant tumour, Mesothelioma, which is the cancer that is related to asbestos fibres in the lungs. I was stunned and held onto my baby girl, Siobhan, and broke down. Why me? Why now? Just why?

I was told I would recieve a call from the hospital and would have to go in for a biopsy to determine what was there. I expected this call to be within the next 24/48 hours. He gave me 3 weeks off work. I don't know if I can take that. I am just grateful that my dear dad was not here to hear that news as I know he would blame himself and it is not his fault.