Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Another bad night

I am so tired this morning. I took such a long time to get to sleep, my mind just can't switch off. I am so worried about going to sleep and not being able to breathe. I am terrified I won't wake up. My confidence has been knocked so hard. I can't get over the issue of not being in control of ,y breath, I want to know that I am improving but that isn't what i a hearing from my family and friends.
I went to st Luke's palliative care yesterday, I have stopped taking the tanpantadol,as I felt trapped inside myself if you can understand what I am saying , maybe going cold turkey on it didn't do me any good. This feeling could be symptoms of coming off the drugs too quickly.
I don't like sleeping in my bed for some reason and laying down brings on more fears.  I am so paranoid, maybe paranoia Ian a side affect too. I wish it would go.
I was told by dr Mary that I could start chemo. I need to speak to dr D but I think this will help with my. Confidence as I will feel that here is something inside me bashing theo and putting him back in his place.
I am so disappointed that the chest infection wasn't dealt with in the first place and was left so long. I have been let down by the system and left with all this to deal with as well as my mesothelioma. I have to get through it. I don't feel this is my time over, I don't want it to be.

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