Tuesday, 11 June 2013

A message from Debbie's family

Hello, this is Siobhan (Debbie's daughter) writing on behalf of myself and my brothers, Richard and Kieran. By now, most of you will have heard the sad news of her passing.

My mum died on Sunday morning at St. Luke's Hospice in Plymouth. It was sudden and unexpected although in hindsight I think my mum knew it was coming. On the Saturday she was very tired and confused: during the later parts of the afternoon she woke up now and again and would ask me about things she'd imagined, I would reassure her and she would happily go back to sleep. At one point she took my face in her hands, gave me the biggest and most beautiful smile and said, "I love you". It is a memory I will treasure for the rest of my life. I know that even though she was confused and didn't really understand what was going on by that time, in that brief moment she was my mum as I always knew her. She knew what was going to happen.

My partner and I left her sleeping, not wanting to wake her up to say goodbye. The next morning as I was preparing to go back I got the call telling me that she had passed away. I miss her terribly and yet I feel glad that she did things her way and was strong right to the end. Where other people may linger in this world, gradually fading away, mum left quickly during a time when I wasn't around. Of course, as her daughter and her carer, I wanted to be there when it happened but she wouldn't have any of that. She had to be in control and she was determined not to put me through that. She had never liked allowing me to take care of her: as my mum, she felt it was her place to look after me. It was only begrudgingly that she would allow me to take over her responsibilities but when I did, she never hesitated to let me know how much she appreciated it.

I am grateful to the staff at St. Luke's for ensuring that my mum was allowed to die with dignity in a way that was appropriate for her. She was surrounded by the most gentle, caring and compassionate people who I felt genuinely liked her and wanted the best for her. Mum had always been terrified that she would die the way she had seen her dad die. I am so glad that did not happen. So glad she did not have to go back to the hospital she hated.

I think this will be the last entry on this blog. It was her space, not mine. I will be keeping it up indefinitely to preserve her memories and so that people may learn from her journey but I cannot step into her shoes. At a later date, I may go back and categorise things for easier reference but this is something I need to think on in my own time.

Finally, and this is not aimed at any one person in particular, I would like to ask everyone to please remember that although Debbie was a very vocal campaigner for asbestos awareness and loved by many people, she was first and foremost our mum. We have difficult decisions to make and we need to be given the time and space to come to terms with our loss.

Although we know that everybody means well, we are being bombarded with messages, calls and questions, many of which are not related to the painful issues we are trying to cope with right now. We are finding this overwhelming and I know that if she were here my mum would want to protect us and ask you to please, please respect our boundaries. It would hurt her greatly to know that her children were suffering because of the work she did and the name she made for herself.

Please do not assume that you know what my mum would have wanted, however close you may have felt you were. You are perfectly entitled and encouraged to grieve in your own way but please do not force this onto others, especially ourselves.

If you would like to do anything outside of your own personal 'space', we respectfully ask that you request our (myself, Richard and Kieran) permission first and if you feel like it is not important enough to bother us with at this time, then it must surely not be important enough that you must do it right away. We may very well have our own plans for many things and we would be saddened to have them taken away from us before we have even registered her passing.

If any of us need help, we will ask for it. When we have made arrangements for mum's service, you will be informed. We do not wish to speak to any media. Again, I want to stress that this is not aimed at anyone in particular and I hope it doesn't offend.


Thank you to everyone who supported our mum during her life. She appreciated your friendship and cared deeply about you all. I think she would like me to tell you to continue your fights and live your lives to the full.


With love,

Siobhan, Richard and Kieran
x

2 comments:

Jeff Crowe said...

Hello Siobhan ,Richard and Kieren ,Please accept my deepest sympathies on the sad loss of your Mother Debbie . I have a group called Make Burnie Free of Asbestos . Today I have decided to start another group called - Always Remembering Asbestos Victims . Could you please find the group on Face book , I was hoping for family members to post an ever lasting tribute to a lost love one .
Kind Regards - Jeff Crowe

shirley botfield said...

my husband passed away with mecso last jan .Keith Botfield .